In my early twenties finding the answer to this question became my quest and for a long time I believed that there would be a single correct answer out there somewhere and that it would probably involve seriously harming myself.  At this time I saw the fact that I was hurting myself to get through life as the reason I needed help.  It took a long time and a lot of difficult experiences before I could appreciate that the emotional distress which I was so desperate to escape from that I would physically harm myself was something for which I both could and should seek help.

Initially my contact with adult psychiatric services which began in the year 2000 supported my expectations.  I was assessed for a week as a voluntary patient on an acute ward following my second overdose and told that they would not keep me in hospital because I was ‘scratching myself’ which at the time I took to mean “If you want our help you have to show us you are serious by doing more damage.” I looked at the people on the ward with similar problems who were being referred to community teams and believed that if my arms looked like theirs I too would be worthy.  A year or so later my arms did look that way but I didn’t have the help and I believed that only by risking my life more and more would I ever get it.

Do I still believe this?  I try not to.  But when I decide that it’s time to phone my care coordinator or out of hours helpline I have to push through the fear that they will not take me seriously because I have not hurt myself first.  I’m also very aware that the support that I receive now under Section 117 aftercare might not be available to me if I hadn’t been assessed as being a danger to myself in the past.  That said I absolutely know that the price of using self-harm to get the help I need has been very high for me, my family and friends and the NHS.  So what have I done when I have got help without expressing myself through self-harm?

 

Care about yourself

 

This is very hard to do when you are struggling.  However while I am worrying about whether I am good/thin/hardworking/ill/etc. enough to deserve help I am not picking up the phone, knocking on the door, opening the computer or whatever is needed to tell someone that I am struggling.

To get help that actually makes things better it’s also important to be committed to finding out what works for you and what doesn’t so you know what to ask for.  That may be many different things in different situations and you may sometimes need someone else’s support to cope and sometimes not but when it comes down to it your problem will be a part of someone else’s day when it is your whole life so it’s really important that you care what happens to you.

 

Be prepared to shift your identity a bit.

I desperately wanted to be a “proper grown up” which to me meant someone who mostly took care of other people and had things sorted.  Seeking help for my mental health problems meant becoming one of the people to be helped.  It was difficult but being able to see myself as someone who can take either role has been essential to allow me to ask for help in words.

Becoming a person who uses mental health services of any sort brings with it the issue of stigma.  At fifteen years old I was assessed by CAMHS and didn’t speak.  One of the things that kept me silent was the fear of what my school friends might think if I was confirmed to be mentally ill.  Things have improved since then and I urge everyone to support Rethinks Stamp out Stigma campaign.  But it can still seem safer to stay invisible than become someone who has a problem and needs help with it.

 

Think outside the box

There is great support to be had from your GP and statutory services but don’t restrict your search for the right help to them.  The internet can provide excellent peer support although I suggest going for moderated forums such as those in RECOVERYOURLIFE.com.  National organisations such as Mind and Rethink provide great online support and information as well as local services, groups and helplines.  Groups that specifically relate to your diagnosis can be a great source of support.  I have gained such much from Emergence.  Many groups that support young people offer both counselling and support which was a lifeline for me when I was younger.  It’s also always worth considering if there’s anything your friends and family can do.  Try as many different things as you can and it will be less devastating if one of the approaches you try doesn’t work out.

Never give up

You have to be alive and visible to somebody for them to help you.  I remember often my friends who died before they found a way to ask for help to cope.  If the phone number you are given is out of date try another source, if the line is always engaged keep trying, If there are no appointments till next week take that and ask for sources of support until then, If no one replies to your post wait another five minutes, if there is a long waiting list join it then look for other support, keep asking keep trying moment by moment.

It is definitely worth it when it works.