Supporting one another at this time

As I seem to have written out hundreds of times on my Christmas cards: I am having a quiet Christmas at home this year as it will be my first out of hospital since 2009.  When I was discharged from hospital in August 2013 one of the things I was looking forward to was the idea of being with my family for Christmas.  I made plans to stay with my sister and see the children open their presents and spend time with other family members and family friends over New Year.  These were the festivities I imagined all those years in hospital when I cried during the Christmas period and my little vulnerable part constantly announced “I want to go home.”

However by the end of November last year I was exhausted.  Travelling is difficult for me at the best of times and the very festivities that I had excitedly planned suddenly felt unbearable.  They became one of a number of pressures that tipped me into the severe patch of self-harm and self-destruction that got me once again detained under the mental health act in December 2013.  When people talked to me about how I might be home for Christmas if I could just keep myself safe it triggered hugely mixed feelings.  I knew that that was what I was supposed to want however I was simply not in a place where I felt I could do it.  The images that came into my head where of the pressure of trying to get through a family occasion feeling this bad and worrying that people would see that and I would spoil everything because they were worried about me and I could not tell them how I could help.  I felt hugely relieved when one of the support workers on the PICU was able to say to me that realistically I would be with them for Christmas now and could stop panicking about being moved or discharged.  That didn’t happen until August 2014.

So this year, once again facing that first Christmas I am determined not to make the same mistakes.  At the very least I will be making different ones!  I will be spending the 25^th December at home alone as I do on so many other days of the year.  In fact it will be the kind of day I value most; one where if I wanted to I could stay in bed for the whole day, I don’t have to go out, I don’t have to see people, I don’t have to make things or write to meet a deadline but I can do any of those things that I want to.

As part pf my effort to make this work I let my family know early and also suggested making a Christmas CD for my parents to my brother and sister.  This was something I had thought of during Christmas 2009 and not been well enough to do till now.  Singing Songs of Christmas was made during October and November this year.

When we were walking back from the first recording session my brother said,

“I was thinking that we could look at the lights on the way home then I realised that it’s not that time yet!”

By the time the project was complete at the beginning of December I admit I felt Christmas had been going on for ages.  It is now on sale with royalties going to support Baby Basics, my niece and nephews are thrilled with their copy and apparently very cute singing along to themselves and my parents copy is under their tree!

Despite my plans and hopes December hasn’t gone smoothly.  I still found myself in that dangerous place where all the things that usually make me want to stay safe and alive flipped round and became other reasons to end everything and I ended up spending a few days seriously ill in hospital.  This time with the support of my care coordinators and a liaison psychiatrist who had been my consultant on the PICU last Christmas I was able to avoid returning to the psychiatric wards.  I was very shaken because I had used every coping strategy and plan I had and tried my very best and it hadn’t been enough once again.  My care coordinator helped me to accept that I could only ever do my best with this and fall back on my spirituality to ask for support with the things that are simply too big for me.

I am a pagan and attended an open ritual for the Yule Solstice on Sunday evening.  During this some of us shared our thoughts and feelings about this season when the nights have reached their longest and the Oak King and Holly King have finally fought again, as they did at midsummer.  Then it was the Holly King that won and the nights grew longer, now the Oak King triumphs, the Goddess gives birth to the God as the sun and the days begin to grow longer again.

For me this period when things are closed is important to decompress and take stock of where we are and where we are going.  This was a big feature of my Christmas and New Years in hospital when the gap without psychology sessions, MDT meetings and regular groups came as a relief to me.  It is even truer this year when it allows me to use meditation and path working to explore where I will put my energies this season since, much as I would like to, I can’t do everything.

After I came out of hospital two weeks ago I adopted the mantra ‘take it steady.’ It’s one I use a lot mostly when I am trying to complete my walk home when I’m feeling exhausted or trying to correct a low blood sugar at the same time.  Since travelling takes me so much energy I chose not to go anywhere that needed a train journey until at least 2015.  I know that some people felt let down as a result.  I hang on to the fact that staying alive and well it the most important thing I can do for everyone who cares about me and hope they will forgive me.

As the last posting date for Christmas grew closer I found I was staying up later and getting up earlier trying to complete presents cards and orders in time.  I did it along with the last of the Recovery Care Planning trainings for the year on the 22^nd and crashed yesterday.  However a quiet day and two early nights have helped and today my mincemeat and apple slices and my cranberry orange and apple slices are baked, my pickles are almost complete and I’m ready to feast my way till twelfth night, quietly and steadily!

It is a difficult season.  Writing Christmas cards means passing the crossed out addresses of friends and family who have died.  I particularly remember my Grandpa who died just before Christmas in 2006 and my Uncle who did the same in 2009.  I sang a song that I learned from my Gran and Grandpa this morning, broke down half way through, wiped my eyes, got to the end and then cried some more.  My little vulnerable part is still announcing that she wants to go home and all I can do is hold her and live both the happy and sad moments as fully as I can and keep in mind that by 12^th Night it will be less than a month until I’m celebrating Imbolg and the first signs of Spring!

I wish you every joy in this season and hope that you all find a path through the festivities and memories that works for you this year!